I'm depressed. That's new. Its not the first time but its not something I walk around with typically. It started before I was forced out at TPY. Working there had left me underpaid for the services I rendered and I felt an increasing amount of cognitive dissonance as it became clear that my value system and that of the owner just didn't align. Nothing wrong with that if we are just two independent people but working for someone who is unable to see your value is painful on a soulful level and that is where my depression began.
I have anxiety. That is not something new. What is new is throughout my years of practicing yoga I realized I have anxiety through its absence. Only in the most challenging of circumstances did I experience the heaviness and tightness in my chest that makes it feel like I can't breathe and the feeling of total terror as all of the options and decisions spin around me like a chaotic whirlwind of mental destruction. Its paralyzing and causes me to become small not by choice but out of a complete shut-down of my faculties. Yoga used to help. Things have gotten pretty bad for me recently and it has helped a lot less.
Context is everything. Yet, if these feelings and physiological responses to my stressors were logical, it would be easy for me to overcome. Here's what I mean by that - I KNOW that in spite of my problems, I have many important "blessings" (I don't like using that word but "things" is too vague). I know to be grateful for my baby and my partner. I know that I have two funny, sweet sisters that are my best friends. I know that I have my parents and Matt's parents who love me and are not only willing but very capable of helping me in their own ways. I have amazing friends that I can actually talk to abstractly and emotionally and they listen. All of those people are healthy and for the most part, so am I. So, there are many many things that could be so much worse than they are. BUT.THIS.SHIT.ISNT.LOGICAL.
The anxiety alone, I can handle. Do enough yoga and breathing and your body responds. The depression + anxiety combo is highlighting every weakness of spirit and mind I have. I need you to know that I KNOW this. But it doesn't change it. Part of what COULD change it is a re-establishing of my value system. But I'm stuck. I can't meditate. When things are calm or good I can sit for 20, 30 minutes and it is always good. Sitting now immediately causes me to experience all of the physical symptoms of a panic attack and guess what - that's super depressing! I am failing at one of the few things I have full control over. I'm failing repeatedly and I feel defeated.
Writing this was compulsive. Like, I looked at my computer which has sat untouched for over a week and I couldn't NOT write this. And for the first time in many days I feel the tiniest bit better.
Tomorrow, I'll share the things that have happened in the last 2 years that have brought me to this point...the context for whats "bad" for me. The challenge for me will be how honest can I be and how non-complainingly can I share these things....